Popular Chemistry Jokes and Riddles
1. Q: Anyone
know any jokes about sodium? A: Na
2. Q: What
is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
3. Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe8.
4. Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? A: He got Avogadro's number!
3. Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe8.
4. Q: Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar? A: He got Avogadro's number!
5. Making
bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
6. Helium
walks into a bar; the bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in
here." Helium doesn't react.
7. Silver
walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
8. Two
chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."
The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
9. A proton
and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."
The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
10. Money
has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy
element. The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
11. As an
ion chromatography chemist I made this one up:
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
12. The
optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
13. Q: What
do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon
atoms? A: A ferrous wheel.
14. Q: If
H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? A: H2O
cubed.
15. Q: What
did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous
walked into his bar? A: OH SNaP!
16. A
neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?" The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no
charge".
17. Q: What
do you do with a dead chemist? A: Barium
18. Q: What
did one ion say to the other? A: I've got my ion you.
19. Q: Why
did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber? A: To
reduce his carbon footprint.
20. Q: What
do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A: One molar solution.
21. A small
piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see
you," The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going
through."
22. Q: What
do you call a clown who's in jail? A: A silicon.
23. Q: Why
do chemists enjoy working with ammonia? A: Because it's pretty basic
stuff.
24. Q: What
emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer from? A: Separation
anxiety.
25. Q: Why
does hamburger yield lower energy than steak? A: Because it's in the
ground state.
26. Florence
Flask was getting ready for the opera. All of a sudden, she screamed:
"Erlenmeyer, my joules! Somebody has stolen my joules!" The husband
replied, "Calm down, honey. We'll find a solution."
27. Q: If
H20 is water, what is H204? A: Drinking,
bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
28. Titanium
is a most amorous metal. When it gets hot, it'll combine with anything.
29. Q: What
did one titration say to the other? A: "Let's meet at the
endpoint."
30. Q: What
did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph? A: Breaking
up is hard to do.
31. Old
chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
32. Q: What
is "HIJKLMNO"? A: H2O.
33. Q: When
one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical
response? A:C over lambda.
34. Q: How
did the chemist survive the famine? A: By subsisting on titrations.
35. Q: What
happens when spectroscopists are idle?
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
A: They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
36. If
you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
37. Q: Why
can't lawyers do NMR? A: Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
38. Q: What
element is derived from a Norse god? A: Thorium.
39. Q: What
happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt
in his car? A: He was booked for a salt and battery.
40. Q: What
element is a girl's future best friend? A: Carbon.
41. Little
Willie was a chemist. Little Willie is no more. What he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.
42. Q: What
is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin? A: Polar Bond.
43. A chemistry professor couldn't resist interjecting a little
philosophy into a class lecture. He interrupted his discussion on balancing
chemical equations, saying, "Remember, if you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate!"
44. One day on the Tonight Show, Jay Leno showed a classified
ad that read: "Do you have mole problems? If so, call Avogadro at
602-1023."
45. A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the
hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's
been doing. "We've been observing water under the microscope. We're suppose
to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little
figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them. The panic-stricken
student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes, "During this
laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's
as O's."
46. Q: How did the football cheerleader define hydrophobic on
her chemistry exam?
A: Fear of utility bills.
A: Fear of utility bills.
47. The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines cation
as a positively charged kitten.
48. Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms
replacing the carbon atoms?
A: A ferrous wheel:
A: A ferrous wheel:
49. Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like
molecule?
50. Chemistry
Joke 10:
Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny? A: An ether bunny
Q: What is the name of the molecule bunny-O-bunny? A: An ether bunny
51. Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula
for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED
A: H-two-O-CUBED
52. Q: What is the chemical symbol for diarrhea?
A: (CO(NH2)2)2
A: (CO(NH2)2)2
53. Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much? A: They're
cheaper than day rates.
54. Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in
candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
55. Here is a
historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about
the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards
with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make
a world."
56. Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the
medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
57. Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O? A:
Seawater
58. Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon,
and yttrium? A: CoRnY. See
explanation
59. Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what
would you see?
A: A mole of molasses. See explanation
A: A mole of molasses. See explanation
60. Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about
chemistry?
A: HOH, HOH, HOH! See explanation
A: HOH, HOH, HOH! See explanation
61. Q: Why is potassium a racist element?
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK. See explanation
A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK. See explanation
62. An electron sitting in a prison asked a second electron
cellmate, "What are you in for?" To which the latter replied,
"For attempting a forbidden transition."
See explanation
See explanation
63. Q: What is the dullest element? A: Bohrium See
explanation
64. At the end of the semester, a 10th-grade chemistry teacher
asked her students what was the most important thing that they learned in lab.
A student promptly raised his hand and said, "Never lick the
spoon."
65. Q: How did the political science major define free radical
on his chemistry exam?
A: A wild protestor. See explanation
A: A wild protestor. See explanation
66. Q: How many guacs are in a bowl of guacamole? A: Avocados number. See
explanation
67. The noble gases. The noble gases walk into a bar. No one
reacts. (ba-dum tss!)
68. —Guest Brain made of Boron - Wanted
69. Wanted by the Law: Schrodinger's Cat, Dead
And/Or Alive
—Guest
Sheriff
70. Do these protons make my mass look big? (it's
really only funny if you get it the second you read it...)
71. What comes out when you breathe out 2
helium's? - HeHe
72. —Guest Big Daddy G - Take a Ne
73. When a reaction pauses, Ne is a good sport,
he puts his neon the ground
74. Earlier
this week I noticed a joke come up on the Chemistry
World twitter
feed. What’s more, it was one I’d not heard before: “Hey, know
any good jokes about sodium?” “Na.” Brilliant.
75. Two atoms
bump into each other. ‘I think I lost an electron.’ The other asks: ‘Are you
sure?’ The first replies: ‘I’m positive.’
76. What did
the chemist say when he found two isotopes of Helium? ‘HeHe’.
77. Why did
the white bear dissolve in water? Because it was polar.
78. Last
night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic
number of 82. I’m easily lead.
79. Are you
familiar with Friedel-Crafts? Sure, it’s by the Hobby Lobby on Route 3.
80. What
weapon can you make from the chemicals potassium, nickel and iron? KNiFe.
81. Some guy
tried to sell me sand for a thousand bucks yesterday. It was such a silicon.
82. What do
chemists use to make guacamole? Avogadros.
83. How much
is a glass of Adenosine TriPhospate? 80p.
84. What do
you call a tooth suspended in 1 litre of water? “A Molar solution.”
85. A photon
checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.” No,
I’m travelling light.”
86. Did you hear Oxygen and Potassium went out on a date? It went OK. Not even a week later, Oxygen went out with Magnesium . OMg. Oxygen then tried to ask Nitrogen out. She said NO.
87. This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world.
See explanation
87. This is no joke but a call to *BAN* dihydrogen monoxide, otherwise know as the invisible, killer substance. Jupiter Scientific's science joke webpage is probably not the place to post this protest, but the JS staff feels very strongly about this issue. For your information, dihydrogen monoxide (DHMO) is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO in its liquid form, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes tissue damage and contact with its gaseous form causes burns. DHMO use is widespread. For those who have become dependent on it, DHMO withdrawal means death. DHMO can be an environmental hazard: it is a major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", leads to the erosion of natural landscapes and hastens the corrosion of most metals. Being so prevalent (quantities are found in every stream, lake and reservoir), DHMO contamination is at epidemic proportions. Despite the dangers, DHMO is often used as an industrial solvent, as a fire retardant, in nuclear power plants and (can you believe this) in certain food products. Companies dump waste dihydrogen monoxide into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. STOP THE HORROR NOW! The American government and the United Nations have refused to ban the production, distribution or use of this chemical due to its "economic importance." The navy and certain other military organizations are highly dependent on DHMO for various purposes. Military facilities receive tons of it through a sophisticated underground distribution network. It is also stored in large quantities for military emergencies. BUT IT'S NOT TOO LATE! You can help. Act *NOW* to prevent further contamination. Write your representatives. Start and sign petitions. Send e-mails. Inform your friends about the dangers. What you don't know *CAN* hurt you and every individual throughout the world.
See explanation
88. Finally,
chemical jokes are B(oron) or Ar(gon)… however physics jokes have potential.
If you know any, please add under the comments. Thanks !
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